Macho Washington D.C. Turkey Tops Them All

Washington D.C. is full of turkeys, and this article only provides further evidence. According to The Daily News, a wild turkey is terrifying District of Columbia denizens. Just to the east of the United States National Arboretum sits the Kenilworth Gardens. In close proximity is the Anacostia River walking trail. Along the path, an afflicted bird has been swarming walkers and bikers minding their own business. In one case, the beaked bully attacked cyclist DeDe Folarin.

In an interview with Washington station WRC-TV, DeDe recounted the incident. “It was a scary situation. Just riding along the path, this gigantic turkey just…jumps up towards my face…almost clawed me in the face. Kind of knocked me off my bike. And then it proceeded to chase me around for like five minutes.”

The feathered frog fought the two-wheeled victim, but DeDe was able to record the incident on video. Even though she demanded help, brave DeDe was able to take on the talons-clad terrorist. “I put the phone down, and I found…the biggest twig I could find. And I started whacking this bird. Like, I whacked him, like, twice. Feathers flew everywhere. He kind of…stepped off back into the brush.”

According to WUSA9's research, wild turkeys weigh as much as 40 pounds. Among the heavy hooligan's victims was at least one person who was slashed and scratched and received urgent treatment.

To be clear, the fowl snob isn't the only one in the region. According to NBC4, “There have been multiple sightings of…turkeys along the trail dating back to November.” But D.C. Department of Environmental's Dan Rauch believes all the attacks have been caused by the same psycho. Dan's been trying to find the culprit using various call-to-arms; however, he has been unsuccessful so far.

In contrast, the huge menace is incredibly macho. “This is a male, so it's a pretty large turkey. And when people see it, it will drop its wings. It will pop up to display… If this turkey approaches you, I'd try to back up and move away. It is a big bird. They do have spurs. They can run, and they can fly.”

We're living in a targeted time. In the past few years, we've been bombarded with headlines that proclaimed crazed animals: “2020 in an Easy to Understand Way: New York Sees a Series of Assaults by a Gang of Vicious Squirrels,” “Sexual Pistol Johnny Rotten Socializes with Squirrels. He Is Also Enticed by Fleas in His Punk Rock Pants,” “Beehold: The Return of the Murder Hornet,” “Their Name Is ‘Brood'. America Prepares for a Scourge of ‘Trillions' [of] Locusts,” “Because of Course: A Group of Monkeys Strikes a Lab Assistant and Escapes by Stealing Bottles of Coronavirus,” “Man in the Business of Minding His Business Is Tangled by a Group of Angry Otters.” 

For the wild wacko in Washington, wildlife experts believe that he's just defending his territory during the breeding season. And what a vast space; that raging Romeo has been seen from the trail up into Maryland's Bladensburg Marina.

To DeDe, WRC asked why the victim didn't simply run away. In the end, this is an insider TWA (Turkey with an Attitude) thing. If you've never gazed into the eyes of the snarling Prince of Darkness, you wouldn't be able to comprehend. “They can be very aggressive, they're very fast. You've just never been attacked by a turkey before.” DeDe is scarred but smarter and today is “riding around with a small hatchet and…turkey basters.”

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